Author: Meredith Beatty

Some people have no fear of unknown situations. They can walk into a new experience, whether it’s a job, a volunteer situation, or a mission trip and not be nervous. Some may actually be excited!

I am definitely not one of those people. I like to know what’s expected of me. I want to be prepared. A couple weeks ago I found myself in one of those unknown situations. I had no idea what was expected of me and that made me nervous because I wanted to do well. I wanted to serve the Lord in a meaningful way.

In response to these nerves, I found myself mentally preparing for whatever scenarios might come up. Do you ever do this? Do you make up scenarios and then play them out to see how you’ll respond? I was doing that, but my thoughts bothered me. Why did my mind do these sorts of exercises? I shelved that question and prayed for the Spirit to equip me and use me in whatever way he wanted.

Shortly after arriving, I was prepped on what was going to happen that day but there were still some unknowns. I was a little nervous but also excited to help. Things went very smoothly and pretty quietly and by the end of my time I had learned a lot and was able to contribute a small part to the ministry.

Later on I started thinking about those mental scenarios I had created prior to my experience. Did they help me? Not really because they were nothing like what actually happened that day. But, as I thought some more, I realized that in my scenarios I always succeeded. I got a ‘gold star’, so to speak. I also realized how often I did these sorts of exercises. Every time my expectation of what might happen never lined up to what actually happened, but again, in my ‘what if?’ scenarios, I always succeeded. So why am I engaging in these pointless exercises? What am I gaining from it?

The Lord has shown me (and is continuing to show me) that this desire to do well is laced with all sorts of hidden sins: pride, idolatry, selfish ambition, the fear of man. It’s like grasping for a spiritual gold star. Doing well then results in being able to put that gold star on my chart where I can step back and admire it. What’s at the top of the chart? My name. My reputation. In almost every situation, there’s a hidden motivation to do well in service of myself and what people think of me. That’s idolatry. I am serving and worshiping my own reputation. What was one of my biggest fears the day I volunteered? I feared that I wouldn’t be prepared and then I would fail. And that failure before others would damage my reputation. Ouch!

These sins so easily entangle me and they’re all so hidden. But they lie at the heart of identity. I try to derive my worth from what I do and if I don’t know what I’m supposed to do, I can’t prepare and the outcome I want – the gold star – is in jeopardy.

How do I fight back? How can I disentangle myself and lay aside these sins? That’s for the next post.

Self-flagellation. I may have never used that word in conversation but I’ve certainly done it. It’s a fancy way of describing beating yourself up, indulging in mom guilt. And mom guilt can feel like this merry-go-round of questioning and condemning myself.

Sometimes I think I enjoy the ride. Why? Why would I enjoy punishment? Maybe I enjoy it because it’s all about me, and I love thinking about myself? I’m so wrapped up in myself, in my performance as a parent that even when I fail, I enjoy punishing myself. Maybe it proves something. Maybe it proves how much I care? It’s like worry. We know we’re not supposed to worry but somehow it feels irresponsible not to. To worry is to care, right?

Did you know that self-flagellation used to be practiced by some Christians? People would literally inflict harm on their bodies as punishment for sins they’d committed or to feel closer to God. But psychological studies also suggest that inflicting pain on yourself makes you feel less guilty. It’s like you’ve paid the price for your sins.

Maybe I enjoy this merry-go-round of mom guilt because I’m trying to be my own savior.

Are we guilty as moms? Yes! We fail all the time. But God has provided a remedy for that – Jesus, on the Cross, dying for us, taking on the punishment we deserved!

To get on the merry-go-round of self-flagellation is to deny the sufficiency of the Cross. Punishing yourself doesn’t make you more holy, it just proves you don’t believe the gospel.

A long time ago I memorized the book of Hebrews. I couldn’t quote it for you now, but when I was working on it I realized that chapters 9 and 10 were really hard to cement in my memory. It frustrated me but then I realized the crux of my memory problem. Satan didn’t want me to really believe the truth found in there.

Hebrews 9 is all about the once for all sufficient sacrifice of Christ. His sacrifice was better than the constant animal sacrifices the priests offered. Why? Because he was the true lamb of God offered once for all. Drink in this truth:

For Christ has entered, not into holy places made with hands, which are copies of the true things, but into heaven itself, now to appear in the presence of God on our behalf. Nor was it to offer himself repeatedly, as the high priest enters the holy places every year with blood not his own, for then he would have had to suffer repeatedly since the foundation of the world. But as it is, he has appeared once for all at the end of the ages to put away sin by the sacrifice of himself. Hebrews 9:24-26

Getting on the merry-go-round of constant self-condemnation does nothing except keep you from the truth of the gospel, the truth that Christ has fully satisfied the punishment we deserved. We must believe this, rest in this. Rest in him.

We don’t honor God or prove to him how holy we are by wallowing in guilt and shame. We honor God by believing in what he has done, in fully trusting in the provision he’s given us in Christ. As a result of our faith in Christ, we are forgiven, accepted and counted righteous in God’s sight.

So when we fail, and we will, don’t get on that merry-go-round. Fly to Christ and believe the gospel.

Conscientious – wishing to do what is right

The desire to be a good mother is good. I believe God gives us this instinct. But mom guilt comes from the desire to be perfect, the need to be perfect.

We need to be perfect because we mistakenly believe that everything, everything, depends on us. If we make a mistake our children are done for, they are irreparably harmed. And it’s all our fault.

But we also need to be perfect for ourselves and for others, for our reputation. We’re supposed to do it all, to be all for our children, so they will praise us, so the world will praise us, so we will feel good about ourselves.

The lie in the beginning was, “You can’t trust God. He isn’t good. You need to take control.” It’s the theme they listened to in the garden.

The variations on that theme are myriad. For moms, it may be: You have to be perfect, your children’s lives, who they will become, is completely dependent on you. At one time I listened to that lie and ever since it’s become the background music of my days. It seems to always be there, pulsing underneath. When I screw up, when I fail to provide what I think they need, when I don’t live up to my own expectations as a mom, the background music gets turned up. It blares in my ears. Why did I do that? I didn’t provide enough, be enough. Your children are going to hate you.

That song is all about me. I can’t trust God with my children. He isn’t really good. I need to take control. I need to make sure they turn out well, for their sake, and for mine, if I’m brutally honest. Self-assessment becomes inextricably linked to my children’s performance. Do you see the tortuous results of this lie?

What is the solution? The solution is not to build yourself up with positive self-talk. That’s just another variation on the same lie. You’re a good mom. Your kids love you. Don’t worry, you’ve got this. It’s still focusing on yourself.

The solution is the gospel. Every time I hear that song in my head, that variation on the lie, I need to change the channel to gospel truth.

I will screw up, but God forgives and God redeems. “O Israel, hope in the Lord! For with the Lord there is steadfast love, and with him is plentiful redemption. And he will redeem Israel from all his iniquities.” Psalm 130:7-8

I will fail to provide everything for my children, and that’s because I’m not God. I am not ultimate. God is. “Remember this and stand firm, recall it to mind, you transgressors, remember the former things of old; for I am God, and there is no other; I am God, and there is none like me, declaring the end from the beginning and from ancient times things not yet done, saying, ‘My counsel shall stand, and I will accomplish all my purpose,’ calling a bird of prey from the east, the man of my counsel from a far country. I have spoken, and I will bring it to pass; I have purposed, and I will do it.” Isaiah 46:8-11

Trying to live up to my own expectations as a mom is idolatry. This need, (this lust, almost) to look good in my own eyes and in the eyes of others is trying to serve the idol of self. And it’s exhausting! This god is never satisfied. It never has enough. No wonder we never feel like we’re enough. We’re serving an insatiable idol! Stop serving this idol and come to Christ, for he gives rest. “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30

We serve a God who knows all, sees all. He will sovereignly accomplish all his purposes, in me as a mom, and in my children. And he is good! He is gentle to this mom who cries out for her children. His yoke is easy. I don’t need to carry around a heavy burden I was never meant to carry. And God is in the business of forgiving and redeeming my mistakes and my children’s.

At the end of the day, will I listen to the variations on Satan’s lie? Will I allow it to play on repeat in my mind, poisoning my heart? Or will I change the channel and let the truth drown out the lies?

The desire to do what is right by our children is good. The need to be perfect is not.

At times, we’re tempted to focus on only a few parts of God’s character – his holiness or his power or his love. But have you ever gazed across the vast expanse of all his attributes, like trying to look across the ocean to see the other shore? I have always loved the hymn Holy, Holy, Holy because in one line it puts two of God’s attributes together that seem to be at a great distance from one another – Holy, Holy, Holy, merciful and mighty.

Psalm 84 begins with a description of the loveliness of God’s dwelling place, calling him the Lord of hosts. What does that title mean? First, the LORD, in all caps, is God’s covenant name, Yahweh, meaning the self-existent God. The word hosts is a translation of the Hebrew word sabaoth, which means armies. In using this title for God, LORD of hosts, the psalmist is referencing God’s authoritative power over all he has created, in heaven and on earth. The NIV translates it as the LORD Almighty. Another way to put it would be the God of Armies. Take time to absorb that image. Don’t rush through these words.

But in verse 3 we have a mention of birds – sparrows and swallows – making a home for their young at the altars of the Lord of hosts.

I’ve missed the beauty in this image for a long time, and I’ve had this psalm memorized for years. Again, don’t rush by. Ask yourself why this image? Why choose birds?

Even the sparrow finds a home, and the swallow a nest for herself, where she may lay her young, at your altars, O LORD of hosts, my King and my God. Psalm 84:3

Even the sparrow. The sparrow is one of the smallest birds. Even the sparrow finds a home. For what? To build a nest for her young. Birds are very careful in building their nests. They want safe places, away from predators. Where is this nest? At the altars of the LORD of hosts, the altars of the God of Armies, the altars of the God who has all power and authority over the entire universe.

We have a bunch of holly bushes planted in front of our house. They have to be trimmed on a regular basis, but most of the time, if we’re honest, we’ve neglected them. One time I was feeling especially motivated and decided to go out there with the electric hedge trimmer. I was trimming and cutting like a pro until I started hearing this bird chirping wildly. What was going on? I suddenly realized at the last second that I had been aggressively cutting through a holly bush with a nest in it. That bird with its young in the nest was chirping wildly trying to save its babies from me.

God is mighty, he is the LORD of Armies, but the smallest of the birds feel safe enough to build their nests right at his altars.

Again, don’t rush past. Let the imagery settle on you. There is a sweetness to it. Our mighty God, the LORD of Armies, is a gentle God to those who are weak and small. Even they can find refuge and make a home at his altars.

And they were bringing children to him that he might touch them, and the disciples rebuked them. But when Jesus saw it, he was indignant and said to them, “Let the children come to me; do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God. Truly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it.” And he took them in his arms and blessed them, laying his hands on them. Mark 10:13-16

Mighty and gentle.

Jesus rebuked the people once by saying this –

“He also said to the crowds, ‘When you see a cloud rising in the west, you say at once, ‘A shower is coming.’ And so it happens. And when you see the south wind blowing, you say, ‘There will be scorching heat,’ and it happens. You hypocrites! You know how to interpret the appearance of earth and sky, but why do you not know how to interpret the present time?” Luke 12:54-56

We are not omniscient. We don’t know when Christ will return. But here Christ rebukes them for not paying attention to the times, for not understanding where they were in redemptive history.

Could the same be said of us?

There are many pivot points in Scripture, places where you realize God is doing something big, He’s moving the story in a new direction.

1 Samuel 2 is one of those pivot points I think. The spiritual state of Israel was bad, very bad. The priests of God were treating the offering with contempt and sleeping with the women who served at the tent of meeting.

But Samuel is growing in the presence of the Lord, he is growing in stature and in favor with God and man. God is moving.

In verse 27 a man of God comes to Eli. We don’t know who this man of God is. It doesn’t really matter. But he proclaims judgment on Eli’s house, on his sons, and says “Behold”. The days are coming when God will raise up for himself a faithful priest. God is moving.

After chapter 2 of 1 Samuel you realize the story of Israel is bending in a new and different direction. By chapter 9 they have their first king, Saul. The tribe of Benjamin is almost eliminated from Israel at the end of Judges (due to their sin but also the whole nation’s), but Saul is from the tribe of Benjamin. God is moving in amazing ways.

What would it have been like to live in these times, to witness this new direction? Were the people aware that God was moving in this way? How would they have been able to interpret the times, their times?

Were they just concerned about their own affairs, their own little worlds? Or were some of them discerning enough to look around, to look up?

God is consistently moving and bending history toward his purposes, to fulfill his plans. I think of Ephesians 1:7-11:

In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace, which he lavished upon us, in all wisdom and insight making known to us the mystery of his will, according to his purpose, which he set forth in Christ as a plan for the fullness of time, to unite all things in him, things in heaven and things on earth.

His will, his purpose, his plan – to unite all things in him. History is moving inexorably toward a goal, God’s goal, that all things in heaven and earth will be united in Christ.

Are we paying attention? Are we looking around and looking up, discerning the times we’re in? Or are we stuck in our own little worlds, distracted by the superficial, mired in petty debates? Do we take seriously Peter’s exhortations?

Therefore, preparing your minds for action, and being sober-minded, set your hope fully on the grace that will be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ. 1 Peter 1:13

The end of all things is at hand; therefore be self-controlled and sober-minded for the sake of your prayers. Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. 1 Peter 4:7-8

Last year, around this time, I decided to read through the Bible in 90 days. It was a great experience and I’ll probably do it again. But lately I’ve been reading at a slower pace, trying to drink deeply and think thoughtfully on each passage. This is surely evidence of God’s grace working in me. I love to check boxes and keep up with a schedule, but that’s not the point really. I want the reading to change me, to uncover those secret sins that lodge so deeply within my heart. I want God’s living Word to remove more scales from my eyes so I can see the glory of the Father and his Son more clearly.

I’ve come through Judges and Ruth recently and saw something new. That’s the amazing thing of the Scripture. There are infinite layers to this onion.

In terms of the whole scope of the Biblical story, from Genesis to Revelation, Israel is not in a good place. At the end of Judges it seems there’s no hope, but Ruth shines like a diamond. The last word in Ruth is “David”. For those who’ve already read the rest of the story, we know that name is pregnant with meaning. But imagine you’ve never read the Bible. You wouldn’t know who David was. This sets the reader up for great anticipation as to what will come next.

1 Samuel begins with the story of a family. And a woman – Hannah. A woman who can’t have children. The Lord has closed her womb.

As the book of Judges ends, the Lord seems to fade from the story, but 1 Samuel suddenly explodes with the name of the Lord. In the first chapter alone there are at least 23 mentions of the name of the Lord.

God is on the move here. And through a woman. A barren woman. If you’re familiar with the scope of the Biblical story, that should sound familiar. Abram’s Sarai was barren, but God provided Isaac. Isaac’s Rebekah was barren, but God provided Jacob and Esau. So what will God do with Hannah and this child he gives her?

Anticipation builds. I’d never read this part of the Bible in such a dramatic way.

Why am I doing this? I’ve been revisiting the topic, especially after finishing my longest distance to date: 50 miles. Life is generally comfortable for me. I live in America, the most free nation on the planet. I go to bed each night in a safe neighborhood, in a warm bed. I have a wonderful husband and three healthy children. I have a job I like and hobbies that fulfill me.

While these things are all wonderful gifts for which I am daily thankful, the truth is comfort and ease usually make people soft. Challenges and suffering build patience, endurance and grit. These are the qualities I want to have. This is the character the Bible urges us to cultivate. I don’t think we should seek out suffering or pray for hard times, but the fact remains that people, in general, grow the most when they encounter those hard times.

When I started running a little over 10 years ago I didn’t like it, but I wanted to do something hard. I wanted to challenge myself. Over these past 10 years running has challenged me like nothing else in my life. And part of the challenge has been tackling longer and longer distances. These longer distances have been the hard thing that’s taught me patience and endurance and humility.

On January 25th I tackled 50 miles. This trail wasn’t like the 50K trail I enjoyed earlier in the month. I’d never run this trail; I’d only seen it on the map. In retrospect I should’ve paid more attention to how it was laid out. Physically I was prepared for the distance but the real challenge was mental. This trail was a 10-11 mile loop. It was flat but contained many roots. It also turned constantly, switching back on itself. This meant I wasn’t able to really stretch my legs out to get full strides. I was always looking down to avoid tripping and I could never zone out to let the miles click by.

I’m learning how important it is to be able to zone out in an ultramarathon. Your mind is going to want to quit long before your body actually gives out. You need a lot of tricks and distractions. On the second loop I started listening to an audiobook. Good distraction but toward the end of the loop I looked down at my watch and saw I’d covered 20 miles. That’s a long distance, but I got discouraged realizing I had 30 miles to go! My husband texted me to say I was doing great but I just felt overwhelmed.

When I finished the second loop I was able to have someone run with me as a pacer. My husband and my friend from the 50K joined me for the third loop. This helped a lot because by this time it was getting lonely on the course; there were less than 20 people doing the 50 mile distance. Talking with someone else is a great distraction. In running, if you can share the suffering it makes it a little less painful.

Before the fourth loop my husband suggested that I change shoes and stick my feet on some ice. That was a real boon physically and mentally. My feet felt refreshed and the shoe change made me feel like I had a kind of second wind. I was still moving slowly but I was moving forward and that’s all that mattered. My husband encouraged me to run more and walk less. This is why a pacer is so key. They will push you to do more than you think you can. I had started walking 1 minute for every 5 minutes but he challenged me to walk 1 minute every mile. I found I was able to do it and each mile marker I would breathe a prayer of thanksgiving to Jesus. My husband dropped off that loop at mile 6 and I was left on my own to finish loop 4.

By the end of loop 4 it started to get dark and I had to turn on my headlamp. That was when I realized how important it was to follow my husband’s advice to run more and walk less. As soon as I turned on the headlamp I realized that running would be almost impossible. The trail was so full of roots and ruts that I couldn’t risk a fall. I was forced to walk and came to the end of loop 4 excited to finish this thing.

Loop five was really a half loop and my husband joined me for it. We walked as fast as we could and tried not to talk too much. We were on a mission to get me to the finish. The trail was even more difficult at night but we pushed forward, eagerly anticipating the aid station where I would get to detour from the dirt trail to the finish.

When I saw the aid station I was filled with relief and found I was able to run the last 1/3 of a mile to the finish. Twelve hours and forty-one minutes after starting I was done. By God’s grace, with the help and encouragement of friends, plus Coca-Cola and Payday candy bars, I finished 50 miles.

It was hard, it was challenging, it was painful. But it was good.

Training has been clicking along for my 100 mile race in April. Yes, I’m still doing this! It’s getting closer but I’m just taking it one day at a time. I’ve had a couple of encouraging tune up races that have built up my confidence.

On January 5th I ran a 50K trail race. I’d done that race two other times and I enjoyed it just as much the third time. It was at Sweetwater Creek State Park in Lithia Springs, GA. There are so many things to like on this trail: varied terrain, peaceful streams, sweet single track and wooden stairs that take you high above the roaring creek. The creek was more like a river this year due to recent rains.

I finished in just under 8 hours and so accomplished my goal which was just to log a good amount of time on my feet. That is the main goal in training for an ultramarathon, especially a 100 miler. You need to get used to being on your feet for a long time.

A friend joined me for the third of six five mile loops which helped to keep me mentally strong. That’s another big piece of training: the mental game. Moving forward for hours on end is mentally draining, so the more ways to distract yourself the better.

Another running friend surprised me by showing up at the finish to congratulate me. I love my running friends! I finished strong enough to think I could even do another loop, or even two!

Next on the calendar was a 50 mile race, the longest distance I’ve ever gone. I’ll save that for the next post.

Jocko Willink is a retired Navy Seal. He is very serious about discipline. He takes a picture of his watch displaying the time he wakes up every morning.

4:30.

Over the years I’ve gotten used to waking up early. As a mom, it’s part of the job description for long stretches of time. Most people think of waking up early as a punishment and sleeping late as a luxury.

Each person has different strengths and weaknesses. Most people have a certain time of day when they’re most productive. I only lately have started thinking about this.

After listening to a little bit of Jocko and reading what others have written on productivity, I realized that I work best in the morning, the early morning. I think more clearly in the morning. Conversely, I realized that after dinnertime, I am less able to focus on tasks that require a lot of concentration and creativity. That time of day is better reserved for things like laundry or weight training or reading.

So about a month ago I started setting the alarm for 4:30 and framed it in my mind as a golden opportunity to do the most important things first – Bible reading and prayer.

I have loved it. I look forward to it. It’s strange but that time of day is so quiet and peaceful. There is no worry that I’ll be interrupted. After only a month I have made more strides in consistent prayer than I have in maybe my whole life and I can already see and feel the benefits. There is a peace and calm that is transforming me. There is less of a spirit of fretting and rushing.

There is still time to run too. That has been a long time concern for me. I want to run in the morning but I want to give more priority to time in the Word and in prayer.

Is waking up at 4:30 more godly? No. Not at all. You could wake up at 3:30 and not redeem that time in God honoring ways.

4:30 is working for me. I may not always be able to do it, but for now it’s been a great blessing.